Fading Fire

"I can feel a sorrow linger in my mind.

And the dark that follows

Makes me falter in my life.

There's a darkness, there's a light,

A narrow path and a wide...

"...There's a fire fading deep within,

Lost its spark, its will to be.

There are seven doors within my dreams,

I've found them all, but still no key."

-Excerpts from Mind Maelstrom 

I'm going to break with my long-standing tradition of not writing posts that deal with me personally. Thus far, I have tended to choose subjects outside of myself, and deal with them in a more or less impersonal manner. Perhaps I just don't want to let people see me, see what is going on in my mind and heart. Or maybe its because I haven't been selfish enough to throw myself out there and waste several pages of text upon myself. Who knows.

Nevertheless, I'm finding that it is a work of dishonesty to write about subjects as if I'm pretty much stable in my thoughts and soul. Why? Because my thoughts, my emotions, my whole psyche it seems, are currently in a very unstable state. Those who know me best see this rather clearly, and maybe you've realized this with my lack of posting lately. 

So, what is going on? Well, many things. Primarily I am frustrated with where I am at. I'm currently stuck in a rut, seemingly going nowhere in my life. My life pretty much consists of sleeping, surfing the web, reading, going to work, and going to church on Sunday. Maybe there is nothing wrong with this routine, but it seems rather, well, lackluster. More and more often I am feeling that all of it is rather in vain. Who is helped by my life? Who's arms are strengthened, whose hearts are mended? Are the hungry being fed, the orphans and widows being encouraged? Are the weak and innocent protected? Basically, am I really making any worthwhile impact upon anyone?

Now, I'm not completely ignorant of things I could do. I could go back to college, learn more of this world and of the Lord, and go out and touch more people's lives in a more effective manner. I could start a charity, become a political activist, do more effective blogging and writing. I could do any number of things in theory. But there is something really missing at this point: motivation.

You see, recently I have gone through a massive tearing down of so many things I once believed in. Doctrines which I held dear have crumbled before my eyes. For those who knew me a couple years back, I was an extremely opinionated, zealous individual who tenaciously held to his beliefs, and tore away at all beliefs which were opposing to my own (sadly, I am still that individual oftentimes). And guess what, I alienated and hurt so many people, people whose love for me was far greater than my love was for them. I tore down many of those who are lost, and just as many who were my brothers and sisters in Christ. But I was blind to it all. Blind to the pure stupidity of my own thoughts, blind to the falseness of what I believed in, blind to my arrogance and lack of love. Blind. Blind. Blind.

Suddenly though, I have now come to the realization of my own blindness. And it has hit me like a Boeing 747 at five-hundred miles an hour. I've been crushed by my own stupidity, and it has torn me apart.

I admit it: I've been (and oftentimes still am) an intellectual and theological snob. I love being right, because I see myself as being extremely smart. And because I am so obviously smart, I'm always right... Well, that's what I thought. Do you now see how having my own stupidity flung directly into my face would scar me in the extreme? 

I've been losing my trust in my ability to think, to reason, to discern truth. I don't trust myself (which is a good thing, but it does hurt), and thus I don't really trust many of the things I've held onto for so long. And you know what, I've been forced to take almost my whole entire worldview, and scrutinize and rebuild it from the ground up.

So, my beliefs are in a state of extreme change and slight disarray right now. If it was frustrating to see just how confused and incorrect my ideas were before my eyes were opened a bit, then you can imagine that it is far more frustrating for me to see how confused and unsteady my beliefs are after this little explosion. I am making progress, and some things are beginning to cement in my mind. Nevertheless, it is so disheartening to see that so much of what I believed was all a lie. And my belief in that lie caused me so much hardship. But we do not live unto ourselves, and thus my firm belief in falsehood caused so many people whom I truly do cherish and love (as faulty and messed up as my love is) so much more hurt and pain. The harm I've caused saddens me deeply.

Now, I am in a very uncertain place. I once had my life planned out. I was going to head to seminary, work in the local ministry, teach the Bible, move into more direct church leadership, and ultimately become a pastor. Thinking back upon it, this was a rather ridiculous notion. I was not, nor am currently anywhere close, to being ready for any of this. Moreover, if I am honest with myself, my life is meant for something different than this. I'm just not meant to go to seminary and become a pastor. I do love the Church, I do desire to understand theology, I do want to make an impact for good among the Brethren. But my passion is for philosophy, political science, justice for the weak and oppressed, aesthetics, and personal relationships with others. My path in life just is not meant to be towards the pastorate, and that is okay. I once felt that being a pastor was the height of usefulness to the Lord, and that it was the most influential, the most impactful, the most helpful and valuable position. And in my arrogant selfishness, I desired that position and ignored those nagging thoughts in my mind which told me otherwise.

When I look at all these plans I made, all the roads I tried to walk down, I now realize just how vain they were. They got me nowhere but into trouble. I once had a clear vision of what I was "meant" to do and where I would go. And now, I'm completely at a loss.

Right now, I've been stripped of those things that gave me comfort and a sense of purpose in my life. Do I still dream? Of course. My dreams are many, as many as the desires which I have. But I'm a man with no real plans.

If someone asked me, "What are you planning to do with your life?", the most I could reasonably say is, "Find someone who can bridge that gap of loneliness in my heart, love and cherish her with my whole being, live a life of love and peace, then go home to see my Lord." Sounds decent, and I guess it is fine. But how do I plan on getting to this goal? And that is the question that plagues my mind daily. 

I have made plans. I mean, I've thought up ways that I might accomplish this goal. But then I ask myself, how can I be certain that I won't just fail again? How can I know that these plans actually aren't foolish and misconceived, just like all my previous plans? Many have and will continue to tell me that I won't know until I try. I understand this, and don't necessarily disagree. But let me ask, how am I to know that I won't hurt people again? I've been the cause of pain to many people, and I am afraid I'll just up and harm everyone around me if I actually try these plans of mine. Honestly, I've no clue what to do, and yet I know that I need to just do something. So, what should I do? Again, I've no clue. 

That's where I'm at. To those who know me personally, this will hopefully help you understand why I do what I do at this point. Maybe it'll just confuse you. I don't know. And to the rest of you, now you'll understand my recent posts, and the posts to come, a bit better. You'll know where I am coming from, and maybe you all can give me a bit of help and prayers along the way.

Now, I want to end with something hopeful, something to show you just how God can change a messed up person like myself into a man of hope, love, and peace. I guess it's just hard for me to do so, since I'm pretty lacking in the departments of hope, love, and peace of heart...

You know what? There are some verses that have been coming to my mind recently, things that have given me at least some sanity, and some hope for the future. So, I shall end with this. Maybe you've already thought of the verse I'm about to post (you probably have), but it is still a dear promise to me.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)